Jaded

New year is pretty much a bore this year... Considering i've tons of work to do thus causing a decrease in visiting... Which means decrease in hongbao collection! Sobb... But on the other hand, i did get to eat a lot of cookies, ba kuas and yu sheng. Yumm... ;) No chance to play cards and i'm seriously incapable of playing mahjong.

Went to M'sia to visit my relatives for a few days. The trip was alright i suppose, since its about the same every single year, the only difference is that all of us are getting older. Haha. Spent my new year worrying about not completing my reports in time and my grandma who's seriously sick now. I was never really close to my grandma, considering she has the typical 'zhong nan qing nu' mindset. She never paid much attention to me when i was young, most attention went to my brother and my younger cousin (who's a guy).

I'm surrounded my illness day in day out during my attachments and because of what i do as an occupational therapist, illness/sickness doesn't bug me, nor does it surprise me or throw me off guard when i see a disabled person. I treat them just like any other human being because i believe that they are not different in any other way. But seeing my grandma lying in her bed, coughing every now and then, puking out nearly everything that she eats, it saddens me. I guess treating a patient is not the same as treating your own family member. I know its not gonna happen anytime soon and all these seems so remotely far off but it's plain melancholy when my grandma lamented on not being able to watch me set up a family of my own while i was seating by her bedside. But somehow it felt like she was saying her last words to everyone of us... And it felt weird, felt unfamiliar...

I'm equipped with all these knowledge & skills from my studies and my clinical practice but i can't seem to do much for her... and it sucks having to feel that way.